How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry?
Monday, December 05, 2011 Posted by Felicia
We have been battling a bad case of sibling rivalry lately! Just ask my family or those that I work with, it is consuming me. I know that this just like many other things shall pass, but right now it is a huge issue for us. I happen to be in Georgia right now visiting family and then heading to the Chick-fil-a headquarters (more on that later). I have been talking to my sister-in-law, Jennifer, about her 3 children and how they handle the issues that arise. Because it was so late when I decided to put this post together, we created a video. Beware... it was late! Also, my husband decided to be a practical joker in the background. Seriously, I would really love your tips on how you deal with sibling rivalry and is it an issue in your family?
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December 5, 2011 12:18 PM
I think it helps to try and do things individually with your kids. That's hard to do sometimes!
Try to do activities where they can both enjoy each other. Like playing tag, in a pile of leaves, dancing, throwing ball, jumping over pillows on the ground and so on. There is no age issues with those kind of activities. *I guess some children can't jump yet. Maybe they would walk over pillows.
Both of my boys like to help me bake, which was a struggle. They would fight a lot and pull on each other, while they were on a step stool. I started having one kid help, while the other was playing. Then the other would help me towards the end.
I'd say the fighting thing happens with boys more so, but I remember fighting with my sisters to.
My co-worker that has 9 kids told me, "Alissa and younger one will turn mean because they have to." I didn't understand how my sweet Isaak who loved babies and puppies could turn mean. Well he was bullied by his brother and two cousins and turned mean to protect himself. At least they are now a little more equal in their fights.
December 5, 2011 6:11 PM
I think I lucked out in that regard with not having to deal with it. It may have helped because one was a girl, and one was a boy. I'm not sure. Sorry you're fighting with it now. :(
January 23, 2012 1:31 AM
I discovered that my 5 children learned from my behavior that our family was a team. In conversation throughout our days I would bring up what was going on in each one of their lives so the others knew how they could understand, help, cheer on, or join in the fun with the others. Of course there was good-natured teasing, but my respect and value for each of them modelled how they would act with one another. Negative behavior was punished, positive behavior was affirmed. They're 33, 31, 28, 26 & 24 - all married and still care about one another - they are all going skiing together in 2 weeks!! :-) I'm thankful.
January 23, 2012 12:13 PM
Couldn't watch the video because the audio is out on my laptop (grrr!), but here's my 2 cents anyway. :)
We do a few different things. The obvious ones, like model how we want the boys to treat each other (being kind is a family rule, so we all try our best to abide by it), and trying to have special time with each boy. I'm especially sensitive to the older one feeling shafted when it comes to 1:1 time and am trying really hard to make sure he still gets the attention he needs to.
As the younger one has gotten older and they are playing together more (they are 2 and 5) we've started some new strategies like:
1. If big bro doesn't want to share or doesn't want little bro messing with his stuff, he can play in his room and shut the door. Otherwise, everyone gets to play.
2. If they are really fighting over a toy, I take it.
3. If you hit, you get a time-out. Zero tolerance from the get-go, so they don't ever think its okay to be aggressive with each other.
4. I do a lot of coaching to teach them how to interact - like if big bro grabs a toy from his brother, I give it back and have him ask for it nicely, or show him how to offer a "trade" and offer something else little bro might want to play with.
There's always that balance between helping big bro understand the little one isn't where he is at developmentally and insisting he not push him around, while also not letting the little one get away with everything because he's smaller. Also hard to find that balance between intervening and letting them work things out. I try hard to encourage big bro to be a role model and helper.
I think as they get older, I'll probably have to use the policy that if they can't get along - like if we are doing an activity all together - they both go to their rooms or a quiet place until they can. That way they both learn it's in their best interest to treat each other with respect and kindness, or they both miss out.
Good luck! This sibling thing can be tough, no doubt!